Anyway, I suppose I should’ve mentioned it earlier… But as an experiment I started a new blog with a whole new attitude. Less readers, sure. But it’s a bit more about me and little less about love. Which is how my life is looking these days. I found it hard juggling two different blogs (and virtually two different attitudes) at the same time.

Check me out on the new blog for more up to date info on the life of Dean, The New York City Cynic (Formerly Single In New York) at http://nycitycynic.blogspot.com/

Thursday night I had been itching for a break after spending the last four days with my father. Just as I was dreaming of what the sun would feel like on my face, while I sat cold in a hospital, my cell phone rang. It was J.

“Do you have time to get away for a little while?”
“Your timing couldn’t be more perfect!”

So he picked me up and we went to the Shrine. “You want to climb the rock and sit at the statues feet? For old time’s sakes?” He’d asked. I smiled at him, and started climbing without saying a word. And he climbed right beside me.

As we sat the foot of a stone statue some 20 feet taller than I and some 20 feet off of the ground, J put his arm around me as we sat Indian style next to each other.

“Want to play a game?”
I just looked at him. One eyebrow raised and half a smirk on my face. “What kind of game are we talking?”
“One of your favorites. We used to play this all the time.”
“Small words?” I asked. He smiled. “You start.” I said.

[This a game we used to play when we were dating and going through a rough patch. When we would fight a lot, this always helped. We would each just say short words and short sentences, which made it harder to be mean. And it ALWAYS put a smile on our faces.]

J – “You’ve changed.”
D – “I’m ever changing.”
J – “I like it.”
D – “What?”
J – “The new you.”
D – “I miss this.”
J – “Me too.”
D – “I love you.”
J – “I love you too.”
D – “IN love with you.”

He didn’t say anything.

D – “Always have been.”
D – “Always will be.”

He just looked at me.

D – “I’m sorry.”
J – “Don’t be.”

And we sat in silence for a few hours together watching the sun set over the tree tops. He just held me and didn’t say a word. And then he took me home where he hugged me tight, kissed my forehead, said good night, said he loved me, and said he’d call me later.

Which he did. He asked me if I wanted to go to the beach with him that night to talk some more. But I was tired and knew that I still had things to do for my father the next day and needed to be in the best shape I could be to take care of him. So I declined.

So things didn’t turn out the way I would have liked. But I tried. And that’s a lot. Especially for me. (Remember my previous post? “Hi! My name is… Coward!”) I still love him. And I still always will. And it still hurts. And it might forever. But that was a risk I had to take.

But here I am. Letting go. Of both my secrets and my responsibilities.

I am sitting in a very [uncomfortable] chair in a large, empty, cold, white hospital room. My father sleeps peacefully with the aid of medication. I listen to him breathe steadily at a much slower rythm than the keys of my laptop.

We will call him J.

**************************************

J and I have been through a lot together. We had dated on and off all through out high school. And shortly thereafter. He went away to college while I stayed home. I broke up with him before he left and demanded that he have fun at college without having to worry about me at home and how I would feel about the things he was doing. We agreed to stay friends, and we have.

Other than my sister, J is my best friend. We don’t always talk, and we see each other about once a year these days, but when we do, we pick up right where we left off. I know that he would be there for me if I ever needed him for anything, any time, anywhere in the world. And vice versa.

J and I will always have a special bond.

At a Christmas party this past winter we had chatted with each other for the first time in person in over a year. He introduced me to his live-in girlfriend of a year and I introduced him to the new crush in my life (you remember him? Mr. Perfect). Things were very nice. We caught up on what was new with each other, how our families had been, and places/bands/movies we had seen. We laughed about old times and hugged each other goodnight for what felt like eternity.

I got to see J again this past weekend. He drove down to attend a graduation party for a mutual friend of ours’. Him and his live-in girlfriend. She is very sweet, she’s pretty and smart, funny, and most importantly she adores him and treats him good.

*******************************************

But this isn’t about them. It’s about me. And my secret.

I have earlier mentioned that J was my first true love. So for that, he will always hold a special place in my heart. But what I neglected to mention was that I am still in love with J. That I might always be in love with J. And I have been lying to myself about that for years.

Even when I was with the Ex (the loser one) and all the other guys in between I would still think of J though we don’t talk often anymore. (Our schedules conflict. But we try to make it work!) And when I haven’t thought of him for a long time, I convince myself that I am not in love with him anymore.

…Until I see him.
Or hear is voice.

And I fall…
Head over heels.

All. Over. Again.

Such as this weekend. I like to think that I hide it well, that not even my best friends who know me better than anybody know my true feelings for him.

J pulls me aside.

“Dean. I heard about your father. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you call me? I would have come down!” He’s referring to the Father’s Day weekend disaster.
“Don’t worry about it. He’s fine now. But I’m sure he’d love to see you. If you have time before you head home, you should stop over there.”
“Yea I will. But you really should have called me. Is there anything you need?”
“No. I’ve got it all under control. But thanks.”

We hug. And we walk back to the table to engage in some more drinking, reminiscing and chain smoking on the patio by the pool.

Sitting at a round table is me, six high school classmates I was very close with at one point, their significant others, and a mutual friend of all of our’s whom is a few years older than we are. Sitting across from me is J and his girlfriend.

Just as the sun is setting, the firepit is getting started and the candles are being lit, one of my best friends from high school (we will call her B) and someone who is very close with J as well, pulls me aside.

“Dean. I’m not crazy. I swear. But I think J is still in love with you.”
“WHAT?!” Im genuinely shocked.
“I’m serious. You should see the way he looks at you. You were talking before to S and he was staring at you… adoringly.”
“B, have you lost your mind?! He has a girlfriend, that he lives with, for almost TWO years now!”
“Yea, but… Didn’t he ask you to move in with him?”
“About 100 years ago! Seriously, I was dating ‘The Ex’ and he wanted me to move hundreds of miles from home and work. We were just kids!”
“But that didn’t stop you from moving in with The Ex.”
“That was different.”
“I’m just saying. I think there’s a good chance he’s still in love with you.”
“Alright. And what am I supposed to do about it?”
“Go after him! I always said you guys were meant to be together!!”
“We did nothing but fight when were together! We’re much better off as friends.”
“You were kids!”
“Didn’t I just say that?”
“Whatever. I’m just saying…”

Is she right? I have no clue. And I will most likely never know. Because I will never ask him. And I will never admit to B that I still love him whether he loves me or not, because what J and I have is very special. It’s something most people will never experience in their entire lives, and we are so very lucky for that. And because of the great bond that we share, I will never risk making things weird between us.

…Unless of course he admits it first.
Then, all bets are off.

Bonnaroo.

I’m in Manchester, Tennessee. Sitting on the side of some highway which number I can’t remember. 40? 76? Beats the hell out of me. There were a dozen of them. Anyway, we’re sitting on the side of the highway in the blazing sun with a few thousand other cars waiting on line to get in to the field and prepared to do so for at least four more hours. “Crack me open a beer?” I ask Bill who is barely awake in the back seat. A lot of the cars around us are unoccupied. It’s passengers are roaming in the grass, throwing footballs, shotgunning beers, and here I am… hippie at heart… picking wild flowers on the side of the highway and placing them behind my ear. We get back in the car to move it. A whopping 35 feet. That was worth the gas. At $4.Something a gallon. While still sitting in the car, I notice the two guys in the car in front of us.

“I like that one. The taller one with the light hair. He’s cute. It’s a doofy sort of way.”

“You think?” Asks Tiff (who’s driving).

“Yea. He’s alright.”

Not even two seconds later, taller guy and shorter guy are headed toward the car. I roll down my window, light up a camel non-filter and take a giant swig of Amstel Light.

We share a few minutes of small talk before it’s time to move the car again. This time, a whole 50 feet. That’s when Tiff looks over at me. “You know they only came over here because they didn’t see Bill in the back seat, right?”

“Oh yea. I know.” And we laugh.

We bullshit the whole five hours waiting on line to get into the place. We make an agreement to share a campsite, share beer, food, etc.

After spending the entire first day with Taller, Lighter haired guy and his buddy, TG (taller guy) and I decide we’re headed over to the staging area. Yea, there’s no bands we want to see the first night, but we want to check out the place too. We head back to the campsite an hour or so later and find we’re alone.

“Want to see my tent?”

Now, I’m not that easy a sale. I can promise you that. But I’m drunk. I’m single. And hadn’t gotten laid in I don’t even know how long. Alright, I do know how long. And it was too long.

So I slept with him.

Things would have been fine after that. I was totally content with just hanging all weekend and not even aknowledging the situation, but he got clingy. Sure he wanted to get laid again. Simple as that.

But we live states away.

And he’s still clingy.

So sorry I gave the kid my number.

While down in Tennessee for a long weekend attending Bonnaroo (a festival with camping, drinking, music, and drinking) my father suffered two strokes while I was gone.

I have been attemping to take the best possible care for him that I can right now. So I will not be around until he starts to come around. I’m sorry.

I will be back… soon… hopefully.

Hope all is well with everyone out there.

He and I (we will call him “B”) are somewhat dating now these days. And for the first time in a long time, I’m dating someone exclusively. It’s strange to be back in this place, somewhere I haven’t been a while, and have not even visited since I last left.

Sunday morning I am woken up by his alarm on his cell phone.

“Good morning. I know this is a bit earlier than we talked about, but I figured you didn’t want to miss a run with Doc before we head out. So I set the alarm a little earlier than planned.”
“Thanks.” I managed to whisper while yawning.

Yes, I let him stay the night. That’s the first time I’d let anyone I was interested in stay the night since the Ex moved out. It was nice waking up to his face. I’ll admit that.

We were dressed in less than five minutes and out the door. Doc, B, and I running through Central Park together. The sun was warm, and it didn’t rain like they had predicted. Vendors were selling potted plants and hibiscus trees at discounted prices, and lines were wrapped up and down the paths with last minute Mother’s Day shoppers.

We stopped to get smoothies on the way back to the apartment and discussed the train schedule and the day’s plans and events.

[Side note: I even let him shower and get dressed at my apartment after our run, rather than him going home and coming back. That was a little strange, but I liked it. A lot.]

An hour later, we were out the door again. Two subways and a train ride later and we were on the train platform in Trenton (New Jersey) waiting for our cab. We were going to his parents’ house for brunch where we would meet with his [twin] brother and his girlfriend and the four of us would enjoy a breakfast/lunch buffet accompanied by B’s parents and two grandmothers.

I had met B’s parents before, and B lives with his brother, so I have met him and his girlfriend before too. But I have never met his grandmothers and I have never met his parents while we were considered “dating”. It makes it so much easier meeting the family when you know there is nothing romantic going on between the two of us, now that we’re actually dating, and they know it, it changes everything. And maybe they didn’t think so, or they just didn’t acknowledge it, because everything felt exactly the same. Which was a wonderful relief.

At about 2:45, we were out the door again. One train, two subways, and another train later, and we were now standing at the train platform at Ronkonkoma (Long Island, New York) where we waited for another cab.

And now B was in the same situation as I was earlier in the day. He had met most of my family before, just not when we were dating. But again, no one acted any different. This, I’m sure, was a relief for him as well.

We went to the beach and then we went to the Shrine where I really opened up to him.

I told him why that place was so special to me, what it was like when my mom was sick, and how strange everything felt after she had passed. I told him how I can’t remember my grandparents’ funerals a few shorts months after my mom’s because I was practically a zombie by then. I even told him how I hate myself everyday because I can’t remember her. My own mother. The woman who gave birth to me.

He stayed silent, but supportive. He hugged me, and held my hand, and kissed my cheek.

The train ride home was quiet. I just wondered what he was thinking.

*********************************************************

“Can I stay the night? I love waking up to your face.”
And I let him.

We ran into each other at one of Long Island’s famous St. Patrick’s Day parades. It had been years since we had even seen each other. We enthusiastically said hello, hugged one another, and shared a green beer. In ten minutes we managed to catch up with each other on our living situations, work standings, and relationship status while our friends impatiently waited for us to rejoin them and the drinking festivities.

[He] was happy to hear that I was no longer with The Ex, explaining that rumors were floating around about The Ex and I and how he had been sleeping with my then best friend… in my apartment… in my bed. And I thought to myself, “Why didn’t any of these rumors happen to make it back to me? Because I sure wish they had.” We laughed at what a loser The Ex is, and [He] told me how much better I could do and more importantly, I SHOULD do. We got one more beer together and parted ways for the rest of the day.

A few days later, at my sister’s for our regular Monday Night Poker Tournament Jon pulled me aside. Forgetting that [He] and Jon work together, Jon told me how [He] had been talking about me all week. Something like this, “Did I tell you I ran into Dean this weekend?”, “Did I mention that I saw Dean?”, “You know Dean broke up with her boyfriend, right?”, “Do you happen to know if she’s dating anyone?”, “Are you and Dean still friends? Could you find out for me if she would like to go out to eat some time?” I was shocked to say the least. Jon confessed that he gave [Him] my number and said that I was expecting [His] call, when in reality I hadn’t known a thing about it.

After months of asking me out to eat, and me declining for various reasons (misc. dates made prior to his and my reconnection, Mr. Perfect, and some other scheduling conflicts) I agreed to hang out casually as just friends and get to know each other. We bar hopped with a circle of his friends. We went out for Happy Hour with a few of mine. We attended a local concert, the beach for a meteor shower, and a few dozen Blockbuster/6-Pack nights.

Ever since [He] and I started getting together (as STRICTLY friends) I have been developing a “thing” for [Him]. Though, I would never admit it, because of how many times I had turned down [His] request for a date.

Tuesday night [He] dropped by unannounced. Which is more than fine with me. (I’m pretty informal myself, and don’t usually have a problem with friends just dropping by to say hello.) [He] had perfect timing, I was just walking from the stove to the kitchen table with a plate full of dinner for myself when [He] knocked on the door.

“What? Did you smell the food?” I teased. [He] laughed and told me [He] was just dropping by to see if I wanted to get a bite to eat AS FRIENDS, grab a movie and have a few beers. Instead, [He] came in, made himself a plate, and we retired to my couch with a few beers for dessert.

A few hours later it was time for [Him] to leave just as my liquid courage was kicking in.

“Hey, I have this birthday party to go to on Saturday for an old friend from high school.”

“That sounds like fun. You should have a good time.”

“Yea. I’m excited to see her. But I know there’s going to be about 15-20 people there also from high school, that no only do I have no desire to see, but I don’t really want to talk to either.”  [He] laughed. “So I was wondering… What are you doing on Saturday?”

“Hanging out with you, beautiful.”

I beamed!

“Really? You don’t mind going? You won’t know anyone there I don’t think, and it might be really boring, I mean you don’t have to go.” [He] leaned in and kissed my cheek.

“I would love to go. Honestly. I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight.” [He] winked just as [He] turned and stepped out the door.

…I can’t believe I did that.

And I can’t believe its tomorrow! I’m really excited.

2.) When you break a bone, it hurts.

3.) When a doctor recommends something (casting a limb, wiring your jaw shut, prescribing medication, warning you of future risks, etc.) you should always listen. They know what they’re talking about. (Which is why they’re doctors.)

4.) Whenever you think there’s no hope left… you’re wrong. Always.

5.) People can always be understood and forgiven. But situations don’t have to be forgotten. Especially situations that turned into lessons.

6.) The only things in life that cannot be erased:

            a) The past.

            b) Words that were spoken.

            c) Broken promises.

7.) Family is always the most important thing. If your family is not worthy of your love, create a new family, we often call them friends when they mean so much more.

8.) Don’t ever pass up an opportunity to tell a loved one just how much they mean to you.

9.) A broken heart hurts much worse than people will tell you. You’ll never understand unless you actually experience it.

10.) Everyone should experience it. At least once. You’ll appreciate the love that much more.

11.) I’m not perfect. Neither are you. Don’t get too mad at other people who just can’t help but makes mistakes. We’ve all made our share. (Some more than others.)

12.) Fall in love. Every fucking chance you get!

13.) Try to forgive people for their past. You may have done something that someone else might not approve of.

14.) Express yourself as much as you can everyday. Write, paint, read, dye your hair a funky color, dress however you want to, get a tattoo, and remember just how beautiful you are when you’re being true to yourself.

15.) Smile. Everyday. Because no matter how hard things get, someone always has it worse than you, and someone would always “kill” to be in your shoes rather than their own.

16.) Be thankful for every single thing you’ve ever done and experienced. It made you who you are. Don’t regret a thing.

17.) When you say something about someone else that you wouldn’t want them to hear; There’s a 98% chance they’re going to hear it. So be careful.

18.) When you call out sick from your job to go to your favorite bar with all of your friends, there is a very high risk of running into your boss while you’re there. (Learned that one this weekend. Whoops!)

19.) Things that always change:

            a.) Fashion

            b.) Music

            c.) Time

            d.) Weather

            e.) Technology

            f.) Relationships

            g.) The strengthening/weakening of your heart

20.) The value of your worth is determined by you, not by status, money, power, material things, etc. If you feel that you’re worth nothing, than you are. And trust me; you’re always worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

21.) Don’t let anyone make you feel any less than wonderful. Because it’s not true and they don’t deserve to know just how wonderful you really are.

22.) There won’t always be a tomorrow. But try not to think about it. Today is so much more important! Because if there is a tomorrow, what you do today can make or break it.

23.) Love is so much sweeter when you’re not afraid of it.

24.) Work is just work. It should never be your life. Your family, friends, experiences, adventures, lessons, mistakes, smiles, laughs, memories, heart-aches, and failures are what make up your life. Work is just something we do to make sure we can have all those other things.

25.) Trust your gut.

26.) Don’t even be afraid to ask for help. Offer to help others every chance you get.

27.) Doing what you love is so much more important than making millions of dollars.

28.) Try as many new things as possible and meet as many new people as you can. You can never have too many friends and learning new things, trying new things, going new place is an important part of life.

29.) Don’t hold in your feelings. You’re only hurting yourself that way.

30.) Always remember:

The sun always rises in the East.

It always sets in the west.

The stars always shine.

(Even if you can’t see them.)

Time never stops.

And it doesn’t rewind.

People come and go.

Just make sure you know who to keep and who to let go.

Time doesn’t heal all things.

But it certainly can help.

It takes more energy to be angry, than it does to be happy.

Try to learn other people’s lessons.

But most importantly:

Learn from your own.

Images are stretched and skewed and colors are accentuated. Even the lack of color is sometimes emphasized. Pictures are not filed like everything else, they float aimlessly, and as if without gravity, around and around in the cluttered space that I have been enslaved for too long.

*************

Not all the visions are real. Some are dreams, some memories, some thoughts, and some nightmares. Stumbling upon such a picture in my mind can often take a moment or two for the filing system to pull up archives on it. “Did that happen?” “Did I see her?” “Where was that?” A series of multiple choice questions frantically surveying database after database on a giant server of jumbled information until I can conclude when, why, how, and where that image came from. If it ever even existed at all.

A giant room filled with computers, files, paperwork, paintings, portraits, and digital images flying fast and slow in circles ‘round the room with no set course over the head of a little girl cowering in the corner. Afraid that the things she sees is all a dream, she prays that her photographic memory will not document the events and be kept with her always. Haunting her. What she does not realize; it’s not a dream. It’s her life. She will forever be trapped in what looks like an abandoned classroom. The door slightly ajar, windows broken, and a damp feeling taking over the air.

She does not dare leave. For fear that what lurks beyond that door is far more devastating that the eternity she has already been sentenced in the messy, chaotic, dark room, eternally lonely.

She curls her knees into her chest and fights with all her might to hold back tears.

The little girl deserted in solitude.