Love is…
Unparalleled.
Unconditional.
Uncontrollable.
Unpredictable.
Unbelievable.
Unconventional.
Unmatched.
Unrivaled.
Unsurpassed.
Unfathomable.
Unintelligible.
Unspeakable.
Unimaginable.
Unthinkable.
Unyielding.
Unbreakable.
And Uncommon.
Sadly, love can also be…
Unequal.
Unbearable.
And Unreturned.
As cliche as it is, I met a guy on MySpace. I haven’t met him in person, though. I stumbled upon his page in the middle of the night. (I have insomnia, so I don’t sleep very often.) I really only checked it out because he had some beautiful artwork on there. So I sent him a message complimenting his paintings. For about two weeks we exchanged messages talking about art, seeing as how I’m a fellow painter myself. Very innocent.
But now the messages seem to be getting more and more personal. We talk about work, our families, friends, writing, etc. He’s actually very cute, and I find myself thinking about him alot. Wondering what he looks like in person. (Pictures don’t always portray someone’s actual physical appearance.) I anxiously check my messages a couple of times a day hoping that there might be something new from him. I think about what he might be doing and when he will paint his next masterpiece. I wonder why someone who can seem so interesting, intelligent, talented, sweet-and did I mention good looking?-still be single.
So I am finally admitting, not only to myself, but to all of you, that I do have a tiny crush on him. I don’t know that I would ever dare meet him in person though. You always hear horror stories about girls meeting guys on the internet and such. Not to mention, he lives in another state. Not too far, but far enough that I would have to stay in a hotel overnight. That just makes me feel even more vulnerable for disaster. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. But as far as I can tell, he has every single quality that I admire and desire in a man.
I wonder if he feels the same way. Or even thinks about me at all.
All
Bad
Choices
Deemed
Equally
Frightening.
Good
Hearted
Individuals
Just
Kindly
Love
Many
Non-Deserving
Objectionable
People.
Quality
Relfection
Starts
Through
Useful
Ventures
Waking
X-Rated
Yielding
Zones.
Why do people feel so sorry for us single gals? I personally don’t think we have it that bad. Sure it would be nice to have a certain someone to share special times with, to turn to when we need support, and to come home to every night. But it’s not a tragedy that we haven’t found that person yet. Sure, we’re have our relationships along the way (well… some of us have). There’s been good times and bad times. Life lessons and experiences. Learning, growing, and changing. But everything happens for a reason. Maybe I’m not meant to be with someone right now. Maybe I need to worry about myself and my dreams and my ambitions for a change. I have more than once put my needs aside to tend to someone else. And I believe this is my time to shine. This time it’s for me. And that may sound selfish, but for someone like me, I think it’s necessary. We can’t keep neglecting ourselves to help others. It’s just not fair.
I do miss having a special someone that I could depend on everyday. But I also need to depend on myself. Because nothing is guaranteed. There’s no telling what could happen. When all is said and done, the only people I can truly depend on are myself and my family. Relationships end. There’s no stopping it. Sure, you can have your soul mate and be together forever. But there is no such thing as forever. As bitter as it sounds, someone has to die first. I’ve learned this at an early age. I watched my father in despair as he buried his one true love, his soul mate, his best friend. My mother. Neither of them thought their marriage would be so short. But it taught me that no matter what, there is no promise that someone will always be there for you to look after you, help you, guide you, care for you. You have to be prepared for the unexpected. Because you don’t want to be put in a vulnerable situation. You can always count on yourself. And that’s all there is to it.
I do hate coming home to an empty apartment every night. I have my dog. That always helps. But it can feel very lonely. I have been living on my own for the past almost five years. (Yes, I moved out an early age. And not by choice.) But I have always had a roommate or lived with a boyfriend. This is my first time living by myself. It can be kind of nice. No one to clean up after other than myself. No one to answer to if I don’t to the dishes until the next day. Electric, water, and phone bill has dropped dramatically. I can have friends over for drinks and not worry about someone in the other room trying to sleep. (The Ex never hung out with my friends. He always just went to bed when they would come over and then bitch and moan in the morning about how we were loud, and up late, and he was trying to sleep, and we made a mess, yada yada yada. He never liked any of my friends. Well, that’s not true. He obviously liked one of them. He liked her a lot more than I would have liked.)
I feel that I am some-what lucky to be single right now. I think this might be the best time of my life to be single. Now I can do the things I want without feeling like I’m being held down. I can travel. I can pick up and move on a whim if I want to. (And I do want to.) I am free to just go out and about and do the things that single females my age do. (Without the sleeping around. I just don’t have it in me. Maybe I’m prude for it, but I can’t sleep with someone unless there is some significant kind of connection.)
I don’t know about all you other ladies, but I am enjoying the single life.
….For now anyway.
I am not one to toot my own horn. Never have been. But since becoming single (which was only about 6 months ago) I have met so many new people. Let me rephrase that, I have met so many new men. I was always the type of girl to have a lot of friends who were men and very few friends that were women. So naturally, a night out at the bar with my friends (when I was with my Ex) would consist of about 10 men and myself. The Ex would never come. And maybe two or three times in the whole three years he and I dated had I been approached by a man that was not within my circle of friends. I swear I must’ve been putting out some subconscious “vibe” to ward off the single male. Now-a-days, I get approached at least 2-3 times every time I go out. It’s all very strange to me. I don’t dress, act, talk any different than I did before. I don’t eye guys up and down when I spot them at the bar. Half the time I don’t even notice that there is anyone else there other than my friends and myself.
And I’m not putting myself down, but I don’t think that I am really anything special. I think I’m alright. Average. I have average looks (and I don’t dress like other girls; jeans and tee shirts are my everyday wardrobe) and I have an ok personality (at least I think so; I’m smart and funny; nothing to brag about) and I don’t really do anything in particular to “lure in the men”.
A typical night at the bar for me? My friends are all dressed on the nicer side. My guy friends wear $80 jeans with the premade fade in the front. A button down shirt, nothing fancy, with shoes, not sneakers. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s 10 of them and one of me, the only girl, always. None of the girlfriends come out. I go there in my $3 Old Navy flip flops, jeans that are so old that they have rips and tears that $80 jeans don’t. They typically have some kind of dirt/stain on it being that I almost always go straight from work. I’m usually wearing some lame tee. Today it was one of my favorites. Plain, cotton tee (NOT skin-tight) with a pitcher of beer on it and it says “Relief Pitcher”. If you don’t know me, than you probably wouldn’t understand the value the shirt holds in my heart. It’s almost 8 years old, has seen so many places, faces, and adventures. I got it at a Red Sox/Yankees game. (I’m a Met fan by the way.) My hair, now being short, is messy and curly due to the lovely rain we had today with some flimsy, plain headband in my hair. It’s so short that I can’t even pull it up. So when I have a bad hair day, everyone knows about it. I looked like a God-damn mess. And yet, I still managed to get two free drinks.
I must add that I am also that girl that will argue with a guy about free drinks. I don’t think it’s fair that men should always pay for the drinks. The first guy came over with a drink in-hand for me. After about 10 seconds he commented on my ass and he was immediately dismissed. *NOTE-Guys: Girls like me are absolutely repulsed by comments such as “Nice ass”, “Hey hottie”, “Sexy”, “Ma”, and the like. Don’t waste your time, they will get you NOWHERE with me.
The second came over offering a name and drink. I accepted the name, declined the drink, but offered to buy him instead. After about 3 and half minutes of discussing why I wouldn’t let him buy me a drink, he bought me one anyway. (It sucks drinking beer sometimes because you can’t even deny what you’re drinking while taking the opportunity to tease and flirt.) He was very nice. Intelligent. Very well mannered. It didn’t hurt that he was devastatingly handsome and dressed in a very nice (and what appeared to be very expensive) suit. Now, being a casual girl myself, I don’t know why it is that I drool so much over a man dressed in a nice suit. I suppose it’s some sort of fantasy of mine that I have not yet realized.
After about an hour of shameless flirting, small talk, and the occasional pause in conversation to sip our drinks and smile at each other, we parted ways. He was meeting some clients from his “firm” for drinks and they had arrived. We exchanged phone numbers and I promised myself I would contain my drool long enough for my friends to ask questions about the mysterious man rather than tease me about it. Oh, and I sent a drink to his table just before he sat with his clients. Because it’s only fair.
He sat at a table across the bar with four other men in equally ecsquisite suits and glanced in my direction from time to time letting out just a tiny smirk. Just enough to make me blush and have to look away only to see all of my friends gaucking at me and waiting to rip on me for it.
Who thought Tuesday’s didn’t have to be dull?
Rocker called me last night. “We really need to talk… In person. I’m coming over tomorrow night when I get out of work.” I so badly wanted to say “Well, what if I have plans?” I don’t. But still. He didn’t even ask me. He just said it was important. The first thought that came to mind was… He’s pregnant. And it’s mine.
I get to work this morning and I have an e-mail waiting for me. It’s The Ex. He’s broken it off with MY (ex)best friend. Which is so typical. She’s due to have his baby this week. (I’m assuming she didn’t already have it…) He wants to talk too. He’s moving back to NY and “misses me.” The e-mail was a few pages long. He asked me for my new cell phone number and how my family and I were doing. Then he tried to give me the sob story about how he doesn’t have a job, (Ex)Best Friend broke his heart, he misses “us” and so on and so on. I sent a two sentence reply.
“Sorry to hear that. Where’s my money?”
BGF (Best Guy Friend) called last night also. He confessed his love to his friend from school. She denied him. “Doesn’t want to ruin the friendship” or some bullshit like that. He’s sad and needs a friend. I was there for him of course. As I always will be. But he’s back to NY this weekend also and wants to hang out and talk about “things.” This seems to be the week of “talks” with everyone. I’m not even the least bit worried anymore.
CC Guy and I have a date this weekend. I’m so very excited to see him. He promised not talk about me moving in with him anymore and agreed to just take things as they come. That made me feel so releived. No pressure anymore. Just fun times like we’ve always had. He’s escorting me to a gallery showing where I’m showcasing some of my art. This is his first time seeing anything I’ve done, and the first time my work has been on display ANYWHERE in the past four years. I’m nervous, anxious, and ecstatic all at the same time. We’re meeting his parents for drinks after the showing. I’m not as scared anymore, because I know that I have the control. Just dating. Nothing serious. Not now anyway.
And while all this is going on, I’m not even stressed. Normally I would be going crazy. But in the past week I’ve really had a lot of clarity. Makes for an easier way of life when you know exactly where you’re at, where you want to be, and where you’re headed. It’s going to be a good week! No one is going to ruin it for me.
Alright, so I’m not falling in love. I’m actually releived. I’m just not ready for it yet. Someday. But I would like to quote a friend… “Am I looking for love-no. Joy-yes. Love has a way of seeping through, just as water finds its way through the stiffest barriers.” And it is so true. But that’s ultimately what it comes down to. I am not looking for love. I am not looking for a relationship. I’m not even looking to date. But I will take whatever comes my way. I’ll the good with the bad. The great with the horrible. Because it’s what life is all about. The journey. Not the destination. The mistakes and the right decisions. The failures and the rewards.
I love that I have no clue what life will throw at me each day. I love that you never know who you are going to meet. Everything happens for a reason. Even the tragedies. I am happy with my life right now. But I like to think that I can be much happier. Because what else is there to look forward to otherwise? I love that friends and families grow. Literally, figurativly, mentally, and emotionally. I love that life is ever-changing. That you can never predict what’s going to happen. You can have a plan, but plans change, whether you like it or not. And people change too.
Love is the most beautiful thing that life has to offer. Love happens when you least expect it, when you’re not looking for it, and often when you think you’re too busy with other things to experience it. It will always catch you by surprise. And I think that’s what makes it so much more fun. I love knowing that there is someone out there in this world that is just right for me, we’re just right for each other. I want to meet as many fun, interesting, and intelligent people as I can in the meantime. I think you will learn more about the world and about life than you could ever learn in a classroom. I want to try as many new things as I can. I want to see as many new places as possible. I want to make mistakes so I can learn from them. I want to touch people with my artwork. And move people with my writing. I want people to understand exactly what I was feeling when I wrote or painted something. I want to understand myself better so that people can maybe understand me better.
And I want to enjoy everday as much as I can for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to say love. Sometimes I wish it were love. And sometimes I’m so scared of love. Because I know the hurt that follows. Or than can follow.
I think about CC Guy all the time. When I’m not with him or talking to him on the phone, I wonder what he’s doing and wish I was there. I wish I could feel him put his arm around me and feel his breath on the back of my neck just before we fall asleep. He makes me wish I could see him everyday. He makes me want to be in a relationship again. But at the same time, I know I’m not ready yet. He really is just so wonderful in every way that I can think of.
And while things are going great with CC Guy and I, Best Guy Friend (BGF) just dropped a huge bomb in my lap. BGF goes to school down south. He hardly ever comes back up to the Big Apple anymore. But he was here for two weeks this summer. In fact, he’s leaving today to go back to school. He and I may not see each other all the time, but we talk about everything. I tell him about the guys I’m dating/have dated, and vice versa. He truly is my best friend, and we’ve been this way for the last 6-7 years.
Anyway, so he was here and wanted to go out to a local hot spot on Saturday night with me. We went, we drank, we danced and sang horribly, ran into hundreds of people we knew, laughed, and had a fantastic time. BGF and I always have a great time together! Which is why I miss him so much when he’s not here. (Side Note: There’s talk of not coming back to NY when he’s finished with school. He says he’s happy down there. I beleive him, but I will be heartbroken if that is the final decision.)
At the very end of the night BGF and I had left the bar and walked to the beach. I wanted to watch the sun come up. We’re standing on the beach with some time to kill, it’s only 5:30 am.
“So… Who are you dating these days? I haven’t talked to you in about two weeks before you came up here.” I said in a teasing voice, because that’s what I do.
“No one. But there is this one girl….”
“Oh yea? Well, I want to hear all about her.”
“Well, she’s gorgeous. And perfect. And so smart, funny, caring. She’s my dream girl. She’s like my best friend down at school.” I knew who he was talking about. I had met her once before. And I instinctively didn’t like her right off the bat, I felt that she was trying to take over my role in his life without doing it intentionally. “The problem is, she has no clue how I feel about her, and she has a boyfriend. And he’s a total asshole, SINY! He treats her bad, cheats on her all the time and just doesn’t care about her. And basically… I’m in love with her.”
I was shocked. I thought for sure if he as in love with someone, I would be the first to know about it. And it turns out that I was. He didn’t tell anyone else. But I didn’t even know that he had a crush on her. I just knew that she was his best friend from school.
“So tell her how you feel.”
“I’m too scared. The whole thing just scares me. She’s the only person I’ve ever felt this way about… Other than you.” What? Did I really just hear that? What was he saying? That he was in love with me? At one point anyway?
I didn’t know what to say. I was confused. I had a major thing for BGF in high school. He knew that. But we pretended I didn’t because it made it easier on him for us to still be friends. And I think I will always have feelings for him (in a romatic way) but choose to ignore them. Should I have taken the opportunity to tell him that I still had feelings for him?
I didn’t. Thankfully. Instead, I was his friend. Which is what he needed. We talked for hours about her and how to win her over. And I listened, offered advice when I had it, and a hug whenever he had that look on his face, the one the says “SINY, I feel so alone, and I need you.”
I love BGF more than most will ever know. But am I falling in love with CC Guy?
Basically, my dog looooooooooves to chew wires to things. More specifically he loves to chew the wire to my phone charger and my TV. So after he chewed yet the third phone charger I bought, I went to the store about a month ago to get a new charger. While browsing I was calculating what I’ve spent so far on chargers and batteries for one cell phone.
Phone Charger @ $29.99 x 3 = $89.97
+ Tax of course = Approx. $10 total for all chargers
+ Phone Battery @ $59.99 x 2 = $119.98
+ Tax yet again = Approx. $12 total for both batteries
Now we’re up to $231.95 in less than two years for a phone that only cost me $50. Not the most economical decisions, so I opted to just get a new phone while I was there. I figured the keyboard (yes, I had one of those fancy, full keyboard phones) was starting to go and surely I would need another $100 of batteries and chargers soon. Why not spend $150 and get a new phone WITH new battery AND new charger all in one shot? (Smart thinking, SINY.) The phone I want is on back order. I’m angry.
Two weeks with no phone because I refused to buy another charger since I was getting a new phone anyway and the charger for the old phone would not be compatible with the new phone so I figured it was a waste.
I get the new phone and it’s not even three weeks old. I go to the local bar on Sunday. All of my friends made fun of me because I insisted on keeping my NEW phone in a zip lock bag in my back pocket. You get doused in beer and I figured, it wasn’t cheap and was quite the hassle to get it. I’m going to be angry if at three weeks old it dies because of beer submerging. Before the adventure was over, a friend I went there with got his phone ruined. By… You guessed it… Getting beer poured over his head while his phone was in his pocket. He’s not laughing anymore.
We leave the bar. I get in the car, take the phone out of its protective baggy and inspect it for any kind of moisture. The coast is clear! I am so proud of myself!! We pull up to a friend’s house to continue the Birthday festivities with a few hundred rounds of beer pong. As my drunken ass stumbles out of the mini-van (yes… we had a friend’s mom come get us from the bar in a mini-van. How fucking cool are we?!) I fell down. I forgot exactly how many beers I had, and I forgot exactly how drunk I was until my legs gave out on me. This was the highlight of everyone’s night. Everyone’s laughing, including me, until I get up and realize that I used my phone to break my fall. Shucks! I thought I made it all day without harming the precious, new phone. The front screen is cracked and neither screen works. They’re both just black. Great.
I can’t get any numbers from my phone book, I don’t know who’s calling until I answer (which I’m not very fond of. I have grown to depend on Caller I.D. like the rest of my technologically addicted generation) and I cannot receive any text messages. I was not always a big texter, but 90% of my friends are. And half of them don’t even know I broke my phone because I haven’t talked to them… Because I cannot call them… Or see their texts… Or answer their texts. I don’t even know who’s texting me! I hear it go off and I just shake my head.
Luckily!! I got insurance on the phone. I know myself all too well. While I’m not normally a sloppy drunk, I am normally a clumsy sober person. I have ruined many phones by dropping them, kicking them, losing them, running them over, getting thrown in pools, etc. I call the insurance company.
“Hi. My phone is not even a month old, and both screens are already broken.”
“No problem, SINY. We can ship you out a new phone right away.”
“Quick question… Does it matter that I, in a drunken stupor, fell down and broke the phone with all of my weight falling on it?”
Silence. Cricket. I thought I even heard a slight giggle in the background.
“No, that’s not a problem at all. What model phone do you have?”
“Verizon LG blah-blah-blah enV in orange.”
“I’m sorry. That phone went on back order two days ago. We will call you as soon as it comes in.”
“Great thanks.” That was Sunday night.
I called again yesterday to see if any came in yet.
“No. That phone went on backorder on Monday.”
I’m confused. I was told it went on backorder on Friday.
“Ok. What can I do about getting a loaner phone?”
“That’s not our problem. Verizon will take care of that.”
So I call Verizon…
“I need a loaner phone.”
“Did the insurance company tell you when the new phone would be coming in?”
“No.”
“Let me place you on hold while I call them and find out.”
An hour of horrible hold music passes.
“The phone you need just went on back order today and should be in soon so we cannot give you a loaner.”
“Oh. First it went on back order on Friday they told me. Then they told me Monday. And now you’re telling me today, Wednesday.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yea… Me too.”
Click.
I’m not going to limit myself to just one person right now. I am far too young to be “settling down.” Not that there’s anything wrong with settling down… Because there’s not. I just feel like since I can remember I have always been in a serious relationship. I’m twenty-one years old for Christ’s sake! I need to learn more about myself, learn about the world, learn about people, travel to different places, and experience new things before I can really commit myself to anyone right now. There is so much I want to do and so much I want to see that I feel if I am in a serious relationship I will give it all up. Hell, I’ve done it before!
So this is my promise… I will continue to date random people and tell you all about it. Because I just need to.
There are no dates lined up just yet. But it is Thursday and the weekend is quickly approaching. If there are no dates to be had, I’m sure I will at least meet someone new to talk about on Monday.
Oh yea, and tomorrow night I’m going to see Rocker’s band play. They’re having a show at a rooftop party in Brooklyn. Should be pretty good. But I’m not there to hang out with him. I am strictly there to see his band. I really enjoy their music (and he’s not bad to look at on stage either) and I’m going with a girlfriend. I’m sure if I don’t have the balls to go talk to someone at this party she will do it for me. She lives for that. She’s no longer single and she yearns for that excuse to talk to a cute guy she meets, and now she can do it on my behalf because she knows I can’t always do it myself.
And I do hope to talk to someone new. Someone cute. And if Rocker should see and get jealous, well then that’s his problem. He missed out on a good thing. Again, not that I want a relationship but we had fun together and that’s all that mattered to me. But he had a hard time knowing that I was dating other people and wanted him to date other people too. He should have just let it go and enjoyed the time we shared together. Because I know I did.
Should be a good time. I will report back. Hopefully with good news!
