I’m writing a book. Well, another one anyway. I just started my third book about a month ago. Things were going really well. It was flowing nicely, the story was intense, creative, and very well written, might I add. And then my hard drive went. Gone. Everything gone. I know, I know. “You should have had a back-up somewhere.” But I didn’t. And I’m feeling very discouraged about starting it again. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to recreate it as well as I wrote it the first time.
Maybe I should just start all over with something completely new. Or maybe I should try to re-write it, while it’s still fresh in my mind. I don’t know anymore.
I also don’t know what’s going with CC Guy and myself. We have so much fun together. And we had a blast at the game, and at drinks afterwords, and out with his friends after that. I stayed the night because it was just too far to travel at night, by myself, after plenty of drinks. And we had a great day together on Sunday. We went to the park. Took pictures. Had breakfast. Went to the museum. Had lunch. Caught a movie. Walked and talked for hours. Had dinner. Had drinks. And then I was on my way home. And as I was sitting on the train by myself I was thinking to myself that I wish I lived there. Not with him, but just in general. It’s so much more my style. And as a bonus, we would get to see each other more!
But I would never move because of a guy. Not unless we were together and we were in love. And we’re not really together. And we certainly are not in love. But who knows what can grow from our relationship if we saw each other more? I think I’m going to do it. NOT BECAUSE OF HIM! I have wanted to live there my whole life, but there was always something holding me back. Whether it was my family, school, my job, or my ex. But now I’m thinking this might be the perfect opportunity to just do it! I’m young. I’m single. I don’t have my own house, I don’t have a career, I’m not going to school. I have nothing keeping me where I am.
It’s time for a change!
So now it starts. The horrible task of trying to save money to move. Trying to find an affordable place. And trying to find a job.
WISH ME LUCK!
So CC Guy and I have a date tomorrow night. The Mets game. I’m very excited. I’ve only been to one game so far this season (game two of the subway series at Shea). And I haven’t seen CC Guy in a few weeks! So this will be nice. And maybe it will help take my mind of Rocker (yes… I’m still thinking about him… a lot.)
I spoke to him (Rocker) last night. I originally invited him to the game because he had been bugging me about it for weeks now. “When are we going to go to a Mets game?” But he gave me this whole speach about how he’s “hiding from the world. Needs to get his thoughts straight. Clear his head. Yada yada yada.”
What the hell is that all about?
I’m getting drilled. By anyone and everyone. “So what’s going on with you and Rocker?” “Are you seeing anyone?” “Do you hate being single?” “Anything new with CC Guy?” “Why don’t you let me set you up with so-and-so?” While these are all good questions and deserve good answers, I’m sick of repeating myself. I have a fairly large family that is very involved in my life. They all talk to one another. So with answering one question to one family member, within hours everyone knows what’s going on. And yet, they still all insist on hearing it from me first hand. (As if they don’t already know.) My answer to all right now? “I don’t want to talk about my dating life right now.” For a few reasons.
1.) I can’t quite define where I’m at in the dating world right now. And I hate trying. My words come out (and make sense to me) while leaving everyone else puzzled.
2.) Nothing great enough yet worth talking about. If I had a new boyfriend, they would know. Since they don’t know, he is non-existant.
3.) There are more important things going on in my family’s lives right now than my dating schedule/plans/history. I’m bored of talking about it. I want to know what’s going on with my sister and her boyfriend of 7 years (who bought a house together 2 years ago.) Are they getting married? Having kids? Is there talk of it? I want to know what’s going on in my brother’s life. He’s newly married and looking for a home. Find any worth considering? Put a bid on one? My cousin and her husband have a new baby boy! And they’re trying to sell their home. Is he standing on his own yet? Said his first words? How’s the house hunting going? My dating life just seems to boring and childish compared to their lives right now. And I am far more interested in their new endeavers than I am in my own.
I was reading Charming But Single’s blog (whom I read everyday… Check her out. She’s amazing) and she gave me a good idea. Today it’s about me (and maybe a few other people). But mainly I’m going to list some of the things I’ve learned in the past year about life, about love, and possibly most importantly, about myself.
1.) You can fall out of love. I have. Alright, well I’m trying still. It’s not easy, but it does get easier everyday. I would imagine that if I didn’t go through such a bad break up it would be harder. Anger is a good tool to use when trying to fall out of love with someone. Had I been harboring sadness, I think it would be harder to get over my ex. Long story short, we were together for a few years. Almost got married. And he ran away with my best friend. With my stuff. In MY Jeep. While I was at work. And I found out from my best friend’s grandmother. Two days after they left. Needless to say, we’re not friends anymore.
2.) Speaking of friends… I have finally found who the true ones are. My sister first and foremost is my best friend. She wasn’t always. We didn’t even get along. But now, we share everything, talk everyday (sometimes a few times a day) and do as much together as we can. We don’t always agree on everything, but we do compromise. I want to go out drinking, she wants to stay in. Years ago I would have just went out with my friends and said “forget her” and she would have stayed in with hers. Now? We pick up beer and wine (I don’t drink wine, she doesn’t drink beer) and we stay in and drink while watching a movie. It’s a lot more fun than I thought it could be. But 90% of the time, we don’t even watch the movie. It plays in the background while we drink and bullshit about our weeks at work, funny stories, people we’ve run into, etc, all while chainsmoking of course.
3.) I admire my dad more and more everyday. My dad has always been my hero for the things he did for us when we were growing up. But as I get older I understand more and more what it was that he actually had to go through, and how hard it must have been for him, and I admire him so much for putting himself aside and taking care of us. I don’t know if I could have done it, and I won’t know unless I’m put in the same situation, and I pray that it will never happen. My mom got Cancer when I was five, my sister ten, and my brother twelve. After four years of fighting (in and out of hospitals, radiation treatments, and lots of bad days with a nurse staying with her at our house when she was home) she couldn’t do it anymore. She was the love of my dad’s life. And vice versa. Anyone who doesn’t believe in soulmates never met my parents or anyone who loved as much as they did. So my dad lost his great love, his soul mate, his best friend, and the mother of his children. I understood (sort of) that it was hard for him, but after falling in love I finally knew what it must have really been like. I can’t imagine anything more painful than that. I was nine when she passed. My sister, fourteen, and my brother sixteen. He never let us see his pain, he just pushed forward and pushed us forward too. He is the strongest person I know and I can only hope that one day I will have half the strength that he has.
4.) Things don’t always work out like you planned. And while I knew that already, I’m noticing it more and more everyday over the past year. I never went to college after high school like I thought I would. I also thought I would be in Manhattan by now being a New York City Firefighter. That hasn’t happened yet. I actually thought that my ex and I would get married (not by now, but in the near future) that’s obviously not going to happen. I thought that my sister would be married and have kids by now. Plans change. People change. Wrenches get thrown in the spokes. And plans go flying out the window! But I am not the least bit bitter about it. That’s life. It’s forever changing, and unpredictable. And I love it so much for that.
5.) Vacations are necessary. Even if you don’t go anywhere. Just take time off and relax. Take time off and drive somewhere. Sleep in. Hang out with friends and family. Find new places. Take pictures. Smile. Listen to the sounds. Smell everything around you. Sit with your eyes closed just enjoying your surroundings. Read a book. Go see some live music. Watch a movie. Paint (if that’s your thing). Just… Be.
That’s all I got so far, but I’m sure there will be more. After all, we learn something new everyday. Or at least we should.
So Rocker and I are done. Not because I said so. Not because he said. Because I can just tell. I can never tell if a guy is interested in me. But I can always tell if he’s not. (If that makes sense at all.) And you know what? I’m not as upset about it as I thought I would be. Probably because we were nothing major. We just hung out… A lot. But we did have a lot of fun together, and not to be cliche, but I do hope we can still be friends. Because after all, when all was said and done, that’s pretty much what we were all along. Or at least the base foundation of the relationship was.
Only thing is, he was supposed to go to a wedding with me in the middle-to-end of August. I wonder if he’ll still go? Or will he feel strange. Either way, I R.S.V.P.’ed for two. So I suppose I will have to call the bride (and humiliate myself) by telling her I “made a mistake and meant to R.S.V.P. for one” or “my date bailed”. But then there’s always the option of finding another date.
Let’s discuss possible prospects…
1.) CC Guy:
Pros – Really cute. Fun. Outgoing.
Cons – Possibly working. Doesn’t know ANYONE there but me. Must travel quite a distance. Does he have anything to wear? Doesn’t really drink.
2.) Best Guy Friend:
Pros – Laid back. Fun. Drinks. Doesn’t dance (like me). Looks amazing in a suit (is that shallow of me?)
Cons – Might get the wrong idea (seeing as how he recently confessed that he has feelings for me and I had to explain that I did not have them in return.) Doesn’t know ANYONE there but me.
3.) Best Gay Friend:
Pros – SO MUCH FUN! Drinks as much as I do. Knows some of my family and friends that will be there. He’ll be the best dressed guy there, hands down.
Cons – That boy loves to dance. And it’s not my thing. He might ditch me for some cute waiter/bartender/etc.
What’s a girl to do? No matter what, I need to ask Rocker if he still intends to go. (As much as that conversation is going to suck, it must be done.)
Keep your fingers crossed for me. I’m hoping that Rocker will still go. Because I think I would have the most fun with him.
So Rocker and I have hung out a lot. There was a point where we talked everyday and saw each other almost everyday. Those days are over. I hardly talk to him anymore. And I haven’t seen him in about two weeks. Of all the guys I have dated recently, he’s the one I wanted to hang out with all the time, and the only one that made me see sparks when we kissed.
Last night I sent him a text. “So… Being that you don’t have anywhere else to go, I have a few beers at my house if you want to come by and split them with me later.” I knew he had nowhere else to go because we had talked about it earlier in the morning.
About three hours later, this is what I get, “Hey sorry phone died, I would and I want to just not tonight, I’m sorry.”
What the hell does that mean? No reason, no excuse, no nothing. Just a simple, “No thanks.” Huh? How does that happen? So I simply said, “No big deal. You know where to find me if you change your mind.” And he just said “Yea.” I don’t get it. In the beginning, he was the one who was calling/texting me and asking me to hang out all the time. Now I find myself starting the converstations all the time. Inviting him places and he never wants to go.
What does all of this mean? Is he not interested? Was he ever at all? Should I even bother? Or should I wait for him to come to me? Will we come to me?
HELP!!!!
Ok. So CC Guy and I still talk. And we have a really good time when we do. I work Monday through Friday so weekends are my only time to see him. (Seeing as how he lives so far away.) Being that he’s a nurse, he works eight days in a row, and then is off for seven. It’s required that he works at least two weekends a month. So that means that I get to see him every other weekend… If I’m lucky.
But then there’s Rocker. The bad boy with a good heart. We have hung out a few times. Ok, so we’ve hung out alot. And here’s the deal, he’s so nice. We have a lot in common. He’s good for me in the sense that he keep me sane. He makes me forget about what a bad day I had at work that day. He makes me laugh, and he makes me smile. We flirt shamelessly and look for any excuse to touch each other. He calls me every night, whether we’re going to hang out or not. And we exchange text messages all day long while we’re at work. He even sent me a text message last night just to tell me he was in the shower… naked. But we’ve done nothing more than just make-out. And I like it that way. No expectations because he doesn’t want a relationship and I don’t either. Or do I? I didn’t think that I did until I started hanging out with him. But I don’t just want a friend with benefits either. I don’t want to have to check in with someone everyday (even though we do that with each other anyway). But I think I would be a little hurt if I knew he was “seeing” someone else. Even if it wasn’t serious.
So where does that leave me? Sitting at home by myself waiting for his call (or his text.) It’s later tonight than usual. Usually by now I know whether or not I’m going to see him. And I don’t know. I sent him a text message. ONLY ONE! I promised myself that I would only send one. And I haven’t heard from it yet. That’s not like him. Maybe that’s why it bothers me?
I should just go out with my girlfriends and forget about it. That way I won’t stress about it. If he doesn’t call, I will forget, and if he does it will be a nice surprise.
But I won’t. I will sit at home and try NOT to write another post today. And I will wait for his call. Or his text. We’ll see. Maybe I’m just reading too much into this.
God damn OCD.
Funny thing, that dating. Just when you think you’ve got it down to a science it throws you a curveball. And some might say you should expect that. But let me tell you, I didn’t.
I meet these guys and they seem alright. We laugh, we flirt, we exchange phone numbers. We go out on a “date” and then you really start to see who somebody is. I know a lot of guys that will tell you that girls are the ones who put on a show for the first meeting, and then change as soon as they’re on that first “date”. I would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know that guys do it just as much. I would also like to clarify the fact that I am not one of those girls. With me, what you see is what you get. I am the same the first time you meet me as I am every time after that. This is me, you don’t like it? Take a walk.
Alright, that sounded really harsh. And maybe it is. But that’s just who I am and I can’t change that. I’m very big on first impressions, which is probably why I am who I am all of the time. I don’t want people thinking they met this one girl and then going out with someone completely different. It’s false advertisement. It’s just as false as wearing 35 pounds of make-up and a ridiculously padded bra. It’s not you! Why pretend it is?
Maybe that’s my problem? Maybe I don’t put in enough time on my appearance. Do guys really like that? I know guys that love a girl that pampers herself. And I know others that think it’s a huge turn-off. But do guys just tell you these things to make you feel better? What do they really want?
Here’s my whole take on “pampering” yourself… I don’t wear make-up unless I have to (a dab of cover-up on that one zit, NOT MY ENTIRE FACE), and mascara (if I remember) and that’s it. I dye my hair whenever I think of it. (Usually every two to three months…. maybe.) And I never get my nails or toenails done, unless I’m in a wedding. And lately it feels like every wedding I go to, I’m in the wedding party.
I don’t wear skimpy clothes. I’m a tiny girl. Well, not tiny. But let’s just put it this way, I’m 5 feet, 6 inches tall and I weigh about 125-130 pounds. I’m small. DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME, I don’t wear skimpy clothes because I think I’m fat (because I’m not one of those, I KNOW I’m not fat) I just don’t feel comfortable in them. I feel naked. And that’s horrifying to me. I’m a jeans and tee shirt kinda gal. I am “the girl next door”. I’m the kind of girl that you can bring home to mom.
So why doesn’t anyone want to?
Help.
Alright, alright. I know what you’re thinking. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I promise. I was out at one of my local dive bars. I go there every Thursday for open mic night. It’s actually a bunch of really good musicians just playing from the heart all night long. It’s an amazing sight.
Anyway, I’m sitting at the bar with a good guy friend of mine sharing a beer. Next thing I know this guy that was on stage playing guitar steps down and starts walking towards us.
His head was buzzed, he hadn’t shaved his face in about 3 days (which I love). He was wearing ripped jeans, black boots, a Led Zeppelin tee and a black leather jacket that you can tell has been worn in and is comfortable. I thought I was going to die.
And then he starts talking to Best Guy Friend.
“Hey ‘Best Guy Friend.’ Who’s this?”
“Oh, You don’t know my friend SINY? SINY, this is ‘Rocker’.”
All I could muster up was “Hi.” How pathetic am I?
So I’m going to be honest with you. I didn’t remember giving CC Guy my phone number until he called me the next day. So not only was I surprised that I gave him number (because I don’t usually do that, I don’t usually make out with a guy I just met either… scout’s honor) but I was also surpised that he called me the very next day.
Normal people would read too much into that. “He’s desperate.” “He was ugly.” “He just wants to get you into bed.” But all I thought was, “Wow.” Was that niave of me? Either way… We talked on the phone for about two and half hours. Good conversation. Casual. Friendly. Flirty. Intriuging.
He’s a phsychiatric nurse. Wants to be a firefighter. Has a place with his twin brother and their best friend from childhood. Grew up in Jersey. His dad is his hero. Never married. No kids. Wants both. Just not now. (My kind of guy.) We hit it off really. After about a week of talking on the phone every night and texting each other all day long while we were at work, he invited me out to his area for date.
I told myself I wasn’t going to go. I didn’t want to get attached. Not that I get attached easily or anything, but I knew with my luck this one I would get attached to. And he lives over two hours away. But I went anyway.
We met at the park. We walked and shared some good conversation. There were plenty of jokes and plenty of flirting. He held my hand. And as we sat under a tree, in the grass, in the most beautiful park I have ever seen, ice cream cones in hand, we shared the most romantic kiss I have ever experienced.
And just when I thought the date couldn’t get any better, we went to his friend’s apartment to watch a boxing match. It was a match that I had been looking forward to for months. I promised myself that morning when I left that I would not miss it. So after one train and two subways we were at his friend’s place clinking beers, chain-smoking, and high fiving every time a good punch was landed. I instantly felt comfortable with CC Guy and his friends.
We went back to his place. And he convinced me to stay. I didn’t sleep with him, although I really wanted to. We fell asleep cuddling (that was his choice). And when we woke in the morning, he wanted me to stay. He wanted to make me breakfast, take me to see the sites, and stay the afternoon.
I could have stayed. But I wanted to quit while I was ahead. So I kissed him goodbye and I was on my way home.
That was the best date I have ever been on in my whole life. This one will be hard to top.
And then…. Just before I arrive home. I receive a text message:
“Wish I could see you everyday. You are beautiful both inside and out. I will be counting down the days until I get to see you again. I’ll call you when I get out of work. Can’t wait to talk to you.”
Could he really be this perfect?
There is nothing wrong with being single. It’s just that, well, I’m not at all used to it. This is a whole new ball game for me. And I am entering this new life both with open arms and with caution. (If that’s possible.)
So my boyfriend and I were together for three years. Lived together for two years and nine months of those three years. We talked about getting married, even looked at dresses and picked out caterer’s and a band. Long story short, it didn’t work out. We wanted different things. I wanted to marry him, he didn’t want to work and he (we will call him “the ex” for the sake of being anonymous) wanted to sleep with my best friend while I was at work trying to make money to pay the rent on OUR apartment. So, needless to say, now I’m single again.
I haven’t been single since I was eighteen. And let’s face it, being single when you’re eighteen is like being single when you’re twelve. It’s a joke. I’m learning that dating is completely different when you can drink and go to bars and don’t live with your parents. Dating can almost be, dare I say it, fun. I have been on a few dates since the split. Some good and some bad.
Not long after “The Ex” and I called it quits I had a bachelorette party to attend. It was my brother’s future wife. A sister at heart. Always. We had a whole big bash planned for the night. First stop: All twleve girls were headed to ”Sister-In-Law’s” apartment for pizza and beer (one my favorite meals of all time). Which turned into just three of us drinking the beers, because well, only three of us drink beer. Next: Limo ride to Manhattan for a lot of drinking and dancing and singing at Webster Hall. Now I don’t know if any of you have been there on a Saturday night, but they host an 80’s Prom. $100 a ticket, and well worth every penny. We all dressed in our most radical 80’s attire. Legwarmers, lace gloves, crimped hair, plastic hoops, off the shoulder sweaters, the works. After a few hours of sweating to the 80’s, we were headed to a new location. (Not without a pit-stop at the nearest Taco Bell of course.) We ended our themed night at what better? The Culture Club. This is where I met CC Guy (short for Culture Club guy). He was handsome, and clean-cut, had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. His smile was wide and sincere.
He bought me a drink. We went outside for a smoke and exchanged phone numbers. Next thing I know we’re making out… Outside of the club… In front of all of my friends… And his friends.
What a night.
